Vincent's Revenge
by Beezlemona
Summary: Vincent finally gets his revenge on Hojo... but of course this being a fanfic by Beezlemona, not all goes as planned...   WARNING: contains humour gore and killing, mild Valenwind and Hojo being a bit weird.


Hojo was in his lab, as usual. He was typing away furiously on his computer, when suddenly he was interrupted by—

"Hojo" hissed a voice seething with malice.

The deluded scientist rubbed his eyes and looked up from his computer.

"Oh. Hello there, Wolverine" He said, looking up even more malevolently. "I've been expecting you."

"My name is NOT "Wolverine,"" Vincent hissed, "it is Vincent Valentine, and…" he aimed Cerberus at the man's fat head "I am going to kill you."

"Oh," Hojo snickered, "So you're going to kill me now then, are you?"

"Yes," Vincent hissed, prodding cerberus's three barrels into his head. It made a shlop sound and disappeared into his squishy cranium.

"…" Said Vincent, and withdrew the gun promptly. Hojo grinned.

"You can't kill me, you know," Hojo said conversationally, trotting over and flicking on the light.

"dude, turn that off! You're wrecking the atmosphere of horror!"

Hojo smiled and cast an evil look over his shoulder at Vincent. Then he drew a breath sharp enough to gut glass and stopped smiling. "it worked…." He breathed

"what?" Vincent demanded.

Hojo grinned and slowly turned the light off again. "It's just that I only just noticed something…"

"oh? What would that be?"

"Wolverine, you're—"

"VINCE. NT. THANK. YOU."

Hojo shrugged, while all the time, slowly inching his way over to Vincent "Vincent, then. Vincent, you're—"

"Um, what the hell are you doing?"

"…"

"ARGH GET YOUR HAND OFF MY ASS!" Vincent screamed, jumping twenty-eight feet in the air and breaking through several ceilings, surprising many rat-like Shinra-employees.

"Vincent! Wait! There was a reason for what I did to you!" Hojo called, scrabbling over the wreckage with surprising speed "Listen! Vincent, have you ever wondered why you are arguably the most attractive person in FFVII? Or why everyone you meet loves you? Or why you never get fat even though you never actually do anything but sit around and mope all day?"

"Excuse me, sir, but Moping is an elite sport!"

"Whatever, but have you wondered about all this?"

Vincent shrugged, or the best he could while dangling from one pointy foot imbedded in the ceiling "No. not really. I mean, everyone's like this. I thought the planet killed off all the Ugly People and that."

"No. it's not just because Gaia is breeding a race of Bonds models. Think. About. It."

Vincent's eyes narrowed "what are you getting at, Hojo?"

"Vincent," Hojo said quietly, bringing his face level with Vincent's horrified one that was dangling a meter from the floor, with a degree of difficulty thanks to his Japanese genetics. "I only did this to you… so that you'd love me."

Silence fell like an expensive glass ornament.

"Um," said Vincent, "could you run that by me again?"

"I made you what you are so you'd love me, and so that neither of us would ever grow old and we could spend an eternity together. Just you and me. Together. Always." Hojo stared dreamily into vincent's soulless crimson eyes.

"OH MY GOD you are SICK!" Vincent cried, trying to dislodge one of his feet from the roof. "you… you destroyed my humanity!"

"No, actually that was Lucrecia."

"NO! she'd never do something like that to me!"

"Uh, she kinda did. She'd the one who resurrected you with chaos. All I did was turn you into the ǖber sexy beast you are now."

"You are freaking delusional! Get away from me!"

"Vincent, listen, we can work this out—" Hojo said, stroking Vincent's arm

"Uh, yeah, I could shoot you!" Vincent fumbled for his gun.

"oh, come on, there's no need for such aggression! Well. That kind of aggression…"

Vincent finally dislodged himself from the roof and drifted down to the floor like a crimson snowflake, except he was a lot bigger and he didn't melt. "How many times do I have to tell you people! I'm not gay!"

"Well, your long hair and tight leather and pink headband would have me reason otherwise…"

"SHUT UP it's not my fault if chaos likes cross-dressing! Leave me alone!"

"oh." Hojo muttered. "So that's how you want it."

"Yes."

Hojo glared a dreadful glare. "Vincent," he said quietly, "We could have had everything. We could have had a future. And demon babies. But nooo. My heart was in YOUR hands, and THEN what do you do? YOU DROP IT IN THE DIRT AND STAMP IT INTO THE GROUND WITH YOU POINTY CHEESING BOOTS!"

"Well, I think it's fair. My heart actually was in your hands once, and you chopped it up and put it in your casserole!"

"It was the best casserole I'd ever eaten." Hojo murmured softly, gazing at the floor. Then he looked back into Vincent's eyes with a burning glare, let out a roar and threw a punch at his face. Hojo was a lot faster than his scrawny 70-year-old body, or any human body for that matter, would have him look and the blow landed square on Vincent's Manly Nose™.

Vincent hissed in pain and grabbed Hojo's weedy little arm with his robotic hand, digging his gold claws into Hojo's flesh. "I don't love you, get over it you spaz!" he hissed in a nasal voice as he pinched his nose with his spare hand to stop the torrential black nosebleed that had resulted from Hojo's strike.

"Arrgh" said Hojo, worming his arm out of Vincent's grip and cradling it gingerly. He glared up at Vincent again, and drew a gun out of the recesses of his bloodstained labcoat. "nobody calls ME a spaz and gets away with it!" he shrilled, firing at Vincent's head at point blank range.

It missed. Vincent sniggered. "You're pretty new to this, aren't you."

"wait…" Hojo held up a hand as he fumbled though his pockets for more bullets.

Vincent sighed impatiently, waiting for his nosebleed to subside.

Hojo grinned as he produced another bullet, and shoved it into the gun unprofessionally. "Time to die, bitch!" he said finally, aiming the gun at Vincent's head with a hand shaking with emotion and arthritis.

He pulled the trigger.

Vincent caught the bullet between his thumb and forefinger. He smirked. "How's that for badass?" then he went "Argh" and flapped his hand around because the bullet was really quite hot and it was burning his hand.

Hojo then took this opportunity to kick him very hard in a place where no man likes to be kicked, not even the slightly questionable variety of man that SquareEnix males belonged to.

"..*" said Vincent, sinking to the ground in agony.

"I really didn't want to do that, you know," Hojo said, squishing another disobedient bullet into his firearm as Vincent continued to moan pathetically.

Hojo fired yet again, this time actually managing to hit a fleeing staff-member in the leg. The man screamed and collapsed.

Hojo snickered. Watching other people in pain was almost as fun as watching Vincent in pain suddenly was. Hojo then knelt down and grabbed Vincent by his extensive collar, jerking him upright.

"hhhhh" said vincent with tears in his eyes and Hojo slapped him. "OW!" he sniveled, black blood streaming out of his nearly-broken nose and a stinging grey mark on his cheek.

"Look at me, bitch!" Hojo roared, spitting spit in Vincent's thoroughly abused face.

"I'm not a bitch, I'm a bastard!" Vincent whimpered indignantly.

"you are what I say you are, bitch, and I say YOU ARE FREAKING DEAD!" Hojo ditched the gun, instead swapping it for a very large knife, which he uncapped and stabbed into Vincent's neck. Black spurted from his jugular like a sprinkler full of blood. Vincent screamed.

Hojo stabbed him again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And Again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again.

(This is my way of showing Vinnie I love him BTW.)

"!" vincent wanted to say, the pain made him want to say that but his ripped open lungs wouldn't let him. It seemed appropriate after being stabbed 479 times, even to vincent.

Hojo stabbed him _yet again. _"Four-Hundred-and-_Eight-ty!"_ he crowed, like a victorious darts player.

"hojo, stop this…. Please…." Vincent gasped weakly

"What? I'm sorry I can't hear you over the sound of my HEART BREAKING!" Hojo snarled, stabbing another eight times.

Vincent shuddered and choked and spat another mouthful of black blood. He reckoned that that was the very last mouthful in his entire body, and he was probably right. His chest was practically mince.

"WHY AREN'T YOU DEAD!" Hojo screamed, stabbing him another three times in rapid succession.

"I am... already," Vincent choked. "I've… been dead for thirty… freaking… years… because of you…"

Hojo smiled icily. "Oh. Well, in that case, let's end this right here…" he was still wondering how exactly he was going to do this when something hade him stop.

"HEY, #$%^&!" called a voice "Get your #$%^&* hands off my Vinnie!"

No one was ever going to hear Hojo's thoughts on any of this because at that moment the scientist found his brilliant brain being sliced in half by a sword on the end of a stick.

Hojo slumped to the ground.

Cid let out a breath before rushing over to poor old Vincent.

"Don't worry, baby, I'm here," cid said kneeling down beside him and stoking his hair gently.

"cid…?" Vincent murmured, gazing up at cid's horrified face.

"#$%..." breathed cid in horror as he saw the wounds all over his chest. "it's alright, you're gonna #$%^& be alright, okay? Vincent, look at me! Okay!"

Vincent took a slow, shuddering breath, his crimson eyes unfocused and glazed. "I …dunno… cid…" his voice was barely audible.

"No! Vincent! That #$%^&* demon'll fix you, won't he?"

"not sure… if he can…" Vincent grimaced, and then gasped for breath several times.

"Vincent! No! you can't die! You CAN'T! I won't #$%^&* let you die! Not after all this! Not after… all… this…"

Cid choked on his sobs. "Vincent, no… #$% no… no..."

"…sorry … " Vincent murmured, a deathly calm falling over him."…It's so cold…"

"Vincent…" cid sobbed, tears streaming down his face.

"hold me" Vincent whispered.

So Cid held Vincent tight in his hairy arms and wept.

"You done yet?" a Shinra worker called "I got a body bag waitin here."

"#$% off!" Cid sobbed.

The man then decided it was in his moral interest to leave cid alone. He went back to his work and tried to ignore the corpse and the blubbering man in the corner of his office.

"Yo, what up, foos!" bellowed a voice as it's Ethnic owner snashed his way in through a wall. He casually broke the shrina guy's kneck and want over to cid and vincents… remains. "so. What up?"

Cid looked up at Barret with hopeless, tear-reddened eyes and a face contorted with grief. "He's dead"

"Yeah, I noticed, but what you doin cryin'?"

Author's Note: I'm not exactly sure where to take this but there will be more, hopefully. Tell me what you think.


End file.
